{Book Review} Emotional Abuse: Silent Killer of Marriage – A 30-Year Abuser Speaks Out

Austin starts out his story by giving a brief overview of his life and journey and touches on the impact on the life of his entire family.  He describes the ways in which he was abusive to his wife and children.  He was not a physically abusive husband or father, and not even really verbally abusive.  He was, however, a master at being emotionally abusive.  He had a great skill at making his family, especially his wife, feel that everything in their life and marriage was her fault.  He would sometimes blow up at her over things and at other times he would emotionally withdraw and give her the silent treatment… all the while knowing that eventually she would come crawling back to him and apologize to “fix” things in their marriage. This led to a very dysfunctional family life for all of them.

Teri eventually has enough of the abusive behavior and feeling like she and the kids need to walk on eggshells.  She tells Austin that she wants a divorce and she truly means it.  Despite the fact that this was Austin’s “light bulb” moment… the moment that he realizes that he truly needs help and what he stands to lose… Teri means what she says and follows through with her plan to divorce Austin and move on with her life.  The awesome thing is that Austin does not let the divorce derail from what he now sees that he must do.  He realizes that whether or not his marriage to Teri can be saved he still needs help.

Austin gives a great account of the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in this book.  Things to look out for in your own personal relationship or the relationship of others that may indicate that there is emotional abuse occurring.  Some of the things that Austin lists in his book that were damaging in his marriage were “lying; controlling conversations; being judgmental  disrespectful, or rude; making condescending and patronizing statements; withholding affection; ignoring promises made; and betraying her trust in him”.  There are many more possibilities, but he uses these to give everyone an idea of the types of things he is talking about.

Austin describes the three cycles of abuse within an emotionally abusive relationship.  These cycles include the “honeymoon” phase… this is the phase where everything is good and loving once a cycle of abuse has been completed.  The next part of the cycle is “escalation” – this is the part of the cycle where the abuse is building up.  The last part of the cycle is “explosion”.  This is the part where the abuse happens – the fit of anger, angry outburst, withdrawal of affection, etc.  Once this explosion happens and things calm down the cycle usually starts all over with things being good and loving again during another “honeymoon” phase.

After Austin realizes that it isn’t Teri that needed fixing and that he can only work to fix himself he runs across a woman speaking on a Christian channel.  She catches his attention for a few minutes and then he goes on about his day.  He later decides to check out her website and finds some videos interviews she had done with a person who had been abusive to his wife.  This person was mostly physically abusive, but also spoke about other aspects of an abusive person that seemed to fit Austin’s description.  This person was Dr. Paul Hegstrom.

Austin contacted the office of Dr. Paul Hegstrom to inquire about the program that he offered, called the Life Skills program, and he found out that there was one offered in his hometown.  Austin then contacted the local chapter of the program and spoke with Jim, the facilitator of the program.  After speaking with Jim about the things that had occurred in his life and marriage, Austin finds out that the program is a 6 months program that doesn’t accept anyone after the program starts because of trust and confidentiality issues.  The program had just started a few weeks prior, so Austin was faced with having to wait nearly 6 months to give this program a try.  After he hangs up with Jim, he decides to call back and inquire about the cost of the program, etc and the facilitator realizes just how serious Austin is about getting help and offers to discuss the possibility with the current members of the program of them to allow him to enter the program late despite their usual protocol.  Jim makes sure that Austin realizes that the group may not allow him to join.  A few days later Jim calls Austin back with the good news that the group agreed to allow him to become a member.  Austin goes on to complete this 6 month program – not once, but twice!

Austin continues to describe abusive behaviors, possible causes, and makes it abundantly clear that the path to recovery from being an abuser is not an easy one and will always be a work in progress.  It is something that a person will have to actively be conscious of and work at for the rest of their life.  There will be times that they may slip and slide back to an old pattern of behavior, but it is important for the abuser to learn the signs and triggers of that behavior and to have the proper tools and the willingness and ability to use those tools to help them be the person they truly want to be.

One of the last sections of this book points the abuser in the right direction on how to find help.  He gives a more thorough description of the Life Skills Program, and even includes a section for people who are being abused.  He describes how he has not only had the help of others in his life to hold him accountable for his behavior, but also how allowing God to work in his life has been a tremendous help to him.

Finally, Austin includes a fabulous resource section for more information and help in dealing with every aspect of abuse.